Consequences & The Delayed Response

How many times have we as parents delivered consequences with irritation, anger, and sarcasm?  

We may as well stick our tongues out and laugh in their little faces.  

I know that personally, when I have delivered the bad news of what the consequence will be, I have changed the consequence if my child's response was not strong enough.  I know, that is HORRIBLE to admit, but if we're truly honest with ourselves, we often deliver consequences as a punishment, a reaction to their behavior, not as opportunities to teach an important life lesson.

In using the Love and Logic® tools of the "delayed" or "anticipated" consequence, I have learned that I don't have to react in the moment just to have an answer to their poor choice or behavior.  Having a delayed consequence actually buys me some time to think through what an appropriate consequence would be, instead of reacting with an over-the-top consequence that I won't be able to follow through on because it doesn't fit the situation.

I've also seen evidence that just because my child doesn't necessarily react strongly to the consequence in that moment, doesn't mean that he's not being affected.

Case in point:  The other day, my spirited 3-year-old was refusing to rest in his bed in the late afternoon.  I said, "No Problem! (with a smile, of course! this is the key) You have a choice.  You can either rest in your bed or you can go outside and pick up rocks from the side yard (by the way, it was 95 degrees with 60% humidity)."  I added, "Just let me know if you change your mind."  Five minutes later, I hear a knock on the back door.  I look down to see little red flushed cheeks, and a chubby little hand holding a Trader Joe's back with a few rocks in it, with sheepish little eyes staring up at me.  "Do you want to come inside and rest in your bed now?"  He nodded emphatically, YES!

If I had resorted to my old way of reacting with an over-the-top consequence because of a lack of reaction, I would have willingly engaged in a power struggle.  According to Jim Fay, one of the founders of the Love and Logic® Institute, there is only one winner in a power struggle - the child - because he gets the parent to react and engage in a battle that is not worth fighting.

Also, look at the choice my child was given - both options were a win-win for me!  If he went outside and picked rocks, he was not in the house whining and fighting his rest time.  If he decided to rest, that's what I asked him to do in the first place.  According to Love and Logic®, the treasure in giving a choice results in giving the parent more control while giving the child more freedom to decide what kind of choice they will make - and ultimately, what consequence (whether positive or negative) they are willing to face.

This is the ultimate lesson we teach our children - to make their own choices, and to take responsibility for the choice they make.  The children we train today are the adults who will live out those lessons tomorrow.