Drunk on Emotion

Walk away.  That's right.

It's so hard to do, but it is the most perfect thing to do when our children rant, rave, tantrum, and scream.

Within the first few months of being a newlywed, the bliss had left more quickly than I ever had imagined.  I ranted, raved, tantrumed and yelled at my husband, probably over something silly and unimportant.  In the middle of my great performance, he stopped me and said he would not talk to me while I treated him that way.

Whoops.  I didn't see that one coming. I just stood there staring at him, kind of shocked.

All my life, I thought it was "normal" to have heated discussions, spew out all kinds of verbal attacks and then it would all just work itself out.  The limit my husband set with me that day was probably one of the defining moments in our marriage.  It was eye opening because I would never treat anyone else that way, but I had somehow believed it was acceptable to yell at and belittle my husband.  Believe me when I say that I have thought twice (or three or four or ten times) before expressing negative feelings toward my husband.  I have failed many times, for sure, but I have kept myself more in check (tone of voice, choice of words, attacking vs. expressing feelings) because I want him to engage with me and resolve the issue that we're having.  Because I love him and my relationship with him means more to me than anything in the world.

Isn't it the same with our children?  When they tantrum and we continue to engage, we're giving them negative attention.  Isn't negative attention better than none?  We're handing the power over to them and saying, "It's okay for you to treat me with utter disrespect and attack me in your angry state...I will keep trying to reason with you even though you are completely out of control and unable to hear or care about a word I'm saying."  Doesn't that sound dumb?  Yet, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've walked right into that trap with my children.

My 14-month-old, mostly non-verbal at this stage, but understands a whole lot of what is being said to her.  She throws herself on the ground, hits her head in the process, kicks her little feet and flails her arms while her lungs are being used to full capacity.  Yes, a 14-month-old acting like my 3 1/2-year-old.  I can't reason with her, I can't try to have a logical conversation with her.  And picking her up and comforting her outburst would really be saying, "It's okay to act this way."  I literally have to look down at her, say with as much empathy as I can muster up, "That's so sad, luvie" and walk away from her.

Jim Faye, from the Love and Logic® Institute says that in the same way we are unable to reason with a person who is high on drugs or alcohol, we are also unable to reason with a child (or anyone for that matter) who is drunk on emotion.