Hopeful

My sweet friend and I have begun the journey of reading Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. We read through bits and pieces here and there, and then email each other with insights we have gleaned.  We only live ten minutes apart from each other, but emailing and texting seem to be the best forms of communication.  I love getting her texts and emails, which describe the craziness of everyday life.  It reminds me that I'm not alone.

I haven't posted on this blog for some time.  I have felt discouraged as a mom for some time now.  I originally started this blog because I was asked by an old boss to hold parenting classes at her facility.  I was thrilled at the idea, but decided that it wasn't the right time for me to do this.  And besides, I reasoned, who was I to give parenting classes?  I felt like I was barely surviving each day as it was.

When I first opened the pages of Desperate a few weeks ago, I was shocked to read of Sarah Mae's own struggle growing up with an addict and how that made her create unrealistic expectations of herself as a mother.  I loved hearing of her own feelings of inadequacy, failure, and the desire just to give up and quit as a mother.  I have struggled with these very same issues for years, and have constantly condemned myself for such feelings and failures, beating myself up day after day after day, wondering what the Lord was thinking when He made me a mother.

I also grew up in a home with an addicted parent, and in recent months and years have learned such terms as Adult Child of an Alcoholic and Codependent.  I felt relieved to find that there was a reason, an explanation, for these bizarre emotions and reactions I frequently have.  But on the other hand, I have been struggling with not allowing them to be my identity.  Yes, I struggle with these issues but they don't have to define me as a person.

One of the most beautiful statements Sarah Mae made about her own mother, which reminded me to have grace for my own flawed mom.

She wasn't bad; she was wounded.  Her own pain came out in sarcastic unnurturing, unsympathetic, unmotherly ways.

While I have many fond memories of healthier seasons in relationship with my own mom, the pain of what has been lost in our relationship in recent years tempts me to be bitter toward her.  But the Lord reminds me, that she is His child just as much as I am.  Who am I to question His plan for her life, even when it makes no sense to me?

Because I have so harshly judged my mom for her wrongdoing, I often fear the harsh judgment of my own children against me in the future.  I know this is a lie of Satan, and for some reason, I keep believing the lie.  When I choose to buy into his deception, I inadvertently keep myself at an emotional distance from my children, for fear that I will keep letting them down.

I am a work in progress.  I can't allow myself to be overwhelmed by all the work that the Lord still needs to do in my life.  But I can hold on to beautiful truths.  I have adopted Sarah Mae's statement:

I'm in a new season.  Wisdom is my companion, and leaning into God is my hope.

I also rediscovered this verse yesterday, and it overwhelms me with hope.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  -Jeremiah 19:13-

The Courage to Change

One of the hardest aspect of being a parent is watching and seeing all of my flaws emerge from my children's mouths and out of their behavior at times.  I think to myself, "Hmmmm....that is a really mean tone of voice.  I know where they got that from."  While I didn't set out to talk to my children with an irritable tone of voice or to yell at them out of pure exasperation at times, I am baffled at how easily and how quickly the yuck comes out of my mouth.  

Do I just say, "That's who I am - take it or leave it."  Or do I try to change?

For most parents, the obvious answer would be to try to change, because most of us have looked back on our childhoods with fondness and also a desire to make some things a little better for our own kids.  But how easy is changing?  Well for me, it's about as easy as getting all my children to cooperate and obey all day, every day, without whining, arguing or throwing a tantrum.  

I am a person who struggles with change, even though I desire it to the depths of my being.  I recently meditated on the verse, "Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh" (Galatians 5:16).  The key to this verse is walking in the Spirit.  What does that actually look like?  I wake up in the morning, purposing to read my Bible and pray for the wisdom and strength I need to not only survive, but to finish strongly.  I have often been discouraged that some of my worst days have come after some of my most treasured times with the Lord.  I have expressed this frustration to my husband, and he has very gently said, "Think of how much worse it would have been had you not spent the time with the Lord today."  

The other struggle in changing is that I am fooled to think that I have anything to do with it.  The verse doesn't say, "Try your hardest, will yourself to change and then smack yourself over and over again when you screw up and then maybe, you'll change."  It says nothing about my own effort.  It merely says to w-a-l-k in the Spirit.  Walk in the Spirit.  Walking in the Spirit means submitting my thoughts, desires and struggles to the One who made me this way.  He remembers that I am dust, He has said so. He just wants me - not my puny efforts at perfection or improvement.  Just me.  Then He will make the changes in me, one tiny baby step at a time.

Do I have the courage to change?  The real question is, Do I have the courage to let God change me?

Slowing Down

For the last several days, I have been homebound.  Normally, I would embrace this because I am constantly running here and there.  But when the decision is made without my permission because of a physical ailment, it is hard to be "stuck" at home.

I have been hearing the Lord whisper the word "simplify" in my heart during the last couple of months.  Yes, Lord, that is a super nice thought, but I can't do that.  I have children to raise, family drama to deal with, a house to clean, and I don't have time to simplify.  That's not a reality for me.  But I was recently listening to Joyce Meyer talk about the fruit of the Spirit.  As Christians, we have the fruit of God's Holy Spirit living inside of us, guiding us through every circumstance:  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Faithfulness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self-Control.  Oh yeah, self-control.  Saying "I can't" is contrary to what God says about me.

I can do whatever He puts in my path.  But my husband said to me the other night, powerful yet hard to hear, "You don't pray because you really don't believe it works."  That sounds harsh, but anyone who knows my husband immediately knows what a gentle spirited man He is.  The words stung, but in a way that reminded me that I have a choice - to either rest in God's plan or go my own way.

I have had migraine headaches and dizziness in my head that I never knew possible.  I want to have a big fat pity party and invite everyone I know to feel sorry for me. ( Maybe I'll even get some good presents.)  But the fact of the matter is that this situation is pointing me back to what God has been giving me the choice to do on my own:  Slow Down.  But now, just as a loving and kind parent does, He must help me do what is best, what He's been encouraging me to do on my own for my own good.  He has helped me to slow down and simplify.  I want to run around my house cleaning, doing Christmas crafts, making goodies to eat and my physical body is not able to stay so busy.  Again, He is whispering, "Simplify. Slow down, my child."

His Word tells us to delight in Him and He will give us the desires of my heart.  One of my strongest desires is to just be with my kids.  True, I'm with them all day long, but to actually sit and bask in their presence is something I rarely get to do (or choose to do, if I'm honest).  Even so, I still have a choice while I'm forced to stay at home - to simplify each choice I make during the day or to continue in busyness and chaos.

I must confess that I have chosen busyness this morning.  But I still have several hours left in the day to choose to bask in the presence of God and the beautiful children He has given me.

Rising Above Feelings

Today I felt tired, irritable and not in the mood to parent.  Not in the mood to hear whining, to break up fights, and to correct bad behavior.  Do we get to take days off? I woke up grumpy and I wanted to stay grumpy.  I didn't want to have to serve breakfast, change diapers, fold laundry and wash dishes.  I felt justified for being grumpy because my 3 year old decided to wake up during "dark morning"as we call it, before the sun woke up.

But I willed myself to not be grumpy, to change the diapers and serve breakfast without grumbling about it.  One of the things I am constantly saying to my children is, "It's okay to be sad, angry or upset, but you need to still choose kindness."  And although my own advice sounded bitter to my soul, an interesting thing happened.  I decided to take my kids out for a hike this morning.  We've been locked up in the house with various illnesses, and I thought it would do us some good to get fresh air.

As we hiked through the canyon, watching leaves fall from the trees and throwing rocks into the stream, I felt the heaviness lift from my spirit.  I can't tell you what it was that lifted, but my will won.  I'm sad to confess that too many times my emotions have won, and I have not "chosen" kindness.  I've justified my grumpy attitude, cross tone of voice and irritability because I'm so tired, overworked, always in demand and hardly get an uninterrupted moment to myself.  But those days are even worse because of my choice to give in to my moodiness as my poor children are forced to walk on eggshells to make sure they stay out of my way.

But today I experienced a victory.  My spirit lifted and I allowed myself to just sit and watch my children frolic in the creek and along the hiking trail.  They didn't know the internal struggle I went through all morning, but they certainly reaped the benefit of a mom who allowed herself to be present in the moment and not lost in her emotions.

The Gift of My Time

Mom, will you play with me?


There is a pile of laundry that has been sitting on my couch for a few days.  I can hear it taunting me every time I turn around, "You haven't folded me yet?  Your poor husband is going to have wrinkled work clothes again!"  


If it's not the laundry, then it's the dishes all piled in my sink.  When it's not the dishes, then it's the toys and clothes scattered throughout the house.  And when it's not those little items under foot, it's the greasy cupboards and sticky door handles and handprinted windows throughout the house.  They all beg for me to clean them up, and for years I have wondered how people manage their homes and spend quality time with their children?!


My kids are constantly asking, "Mom, watch this!"  "Mom, look how I can do this!"  "Mom, can you come outside and see my new trick?"  And what is my automatic response, "Yes, in just a minute....let me just do this one thing and then...."  And the guilt just hangs over me at night, after they've all gone to bed and I realize that I never kept my word to spend time with them that day.  I've yet to find the answer to balancing these two important aspects of parenthood, but the thing I remind myself of is this:

1. One day, they will be too busy for me.
2. One day, they won't ask me to play.
3. My house will keep getting messy, so why not play for a while?

Unfortunately, I'm not always good at doing #3, but yesterday I did.

My kids kept asking me to play and I started giving my normal answer about "Okay, just let me do this one more thing...."  And I thought, "Forget the house.  I'm going outside."  My 5-year-old showed me this  freeze tag game that he and my other son play, using a ball to tag each other.  We were running, laughing, high-fiving each other and before I knew it, an hour had gone by and it was time for me to get dinner started.  I could tell that my kids wanted me to keep playing, so I did for a little longer before going back inside to cook dinner.

But I loved our time playing - once I loosen up and forget about my household jobs, I really enjoy our time just being together.  I just wonder why it's so hard for me to walk away from household chores - something that will never love me back - in order to be with my kids? 

It is a gift for all involved. 

Signs of Losing It

So many times after I've lost it with my kids, I've asked myself, "Where did that come from?"  Everything seemed fine and then I just seemed to have "snapped!"  But if I am truthful with myself, then I know that there are warning signs I could have paid better attention to, knowing that the explosion could have been prevented or even minimized.

I know I'm on a slippery-slope-to-losing-my-cool when:

1. I haven't had a decent amount of sleep:  Whenever I stay up too late and try to be super-mom, I end up waking up irritable.  I know it's going to be a rough day when I'm already murmuring to myself about how no one ever listens to me and all I ever do is repeat myself and I haven't even made breakfast yet.
2. I haven't had any down-time:  I need to have some time to myself, whether it's an hour to read at night before going to bed, time out with friends, a few hours to scrapbook - just any set aside time that is purely doing things I enjoy, not just meeting others' needs.
3. Low blood-sugar: During three of my four pregnancies, I had gestational diabetes.  I followed a strict diet which required me to eat every three hours, based on a calculated balance of carbs and proteins.  I can literally feel myself becoming more irritable by the second if I don't eat and balance myself out.
4. Engaging in power struggles: When I am trying to "one-up" a little one who is tantruming, by reacting to their out-of-control behavior, I am basically setting myself up to engage and lose in a power struggle that is not worth fighting.
5. I'm distracted by the computer or cell phone: I have found that when I'm so consumed with email (responding) and texting, I get irritated with my kids for needing my attention.  That's so shameful to admit, but I see other moms just as consumed by computers and texting and justifying it as "me" time.  But if we're truly honest with ourselves, we often use that as an excuse to justify our desire to "escape" from reality.  Is this what I want to pass on to my children?  Is this how I want my grandchildren to be treated as well?

Does God Care?

I have often struggled in my approach to parenting, in terms of what the Lord wants from me in how I parent my children.  What is discipline supposed to look like?  How does God want me to respond to my children when they are defiant and have no problem disobeying my words?

When I first started parenting, I wanted everything laid out in a nice, neat little checklist.  Almost the same way I treated my quiet time with the Lord.  "Okay, Lord.  I spent my five minutes with you this morning. So my day should be easier now."  In that same mindset, I would think, "Okay. I followed this Biblical parenting book and so my children should look and act like this now."  Can you hear the red buzzer waking me up to reality?

One of the things that has been on my heart is that God wants me to parent the same way He parents me.  We know that our children learn by what we model for them.  In the same way, God has laid out his heart for us, His children, in the Word.

1. He tells how much He loves me. (Jeremiah 31:3)
2. He has given free choice to follow Him or follow myself (something we frequently tell our own children). (Joshua 24:15)
3. He understands my weaknesses and forgives me. (Psalm 103:12-13)
4. He delights in us. (Zephaniah 3:17)
5. He prays for us. (Hebrews 7:25)
6. He comforts us when we're sad, even when it's a result of our own sin. (Psalm 34:18)
7. He corrects me when I've disobeyed. (Proverbs 3:11-12)
8. He desires the best for us. (Jeremiah 29:11)
9. He will never let me be separated from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)
10. He made me because He loves me. (Psalm 139)

Look at all the parallels between how God parents us and how we should be parenting our own children. Remember the parable of the man who owed the great debt and was forgiven of the debt, but then turned around and jailed someone who owed him even less?  Isn't this how we sometimes treat our children?  We confess our sins to the Lord, but when our children ask for our forgiveness, we forgive but with an attitude or a lecture.  

While I believe God does care about how we parent, I don't know that He advocates one parenting book or style over another.  He cares about our hearts - what do our actions reveal about what we truly believe deep down inside?  In the same way, we care more about the hearts of our children, what motivates them deep down.  Are we just pushing rule after rule so that they will act in a way that won't embarrass us or are we truly concerned with the state of their hearts?

Everyday Life Prayer

How do we DO that??  I know the answer, and it's the best thing I can do, but what does that actually look like?

P.r.a.y.e.r.

A few months ago, my good friend and I decided that we would meet once a week and pray for our husbands and children.  I was so excited because not only would I be praying for them more regularly, but would also have the accountability to continue on this path.  We did meet for a few weeks, but then summer came, and then it just wasn't workable with both of our very busy schedules.  I was sad when I realized we would not be able to continue this during this busy stage of our lives.

But just because we aren't able to meet, doesn't mean I can't pray, right?  Easier said than done.

When I wake up in the morning, I hit the ground running.  My 1 year old wants milk (and needs a diaper change), my 3 and 5 year olds are always starving, and my 8 year old wants "the plan" in full detail for the entire day, minute by minute.  As I'm stumbling to the kettle to heat water for my big, fat, morning coffee fix, I'm not usually thinking of how I can pray for my children - I'm usually thinking, "I hope we have a pretty easy day."

Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't.

But I have noticed that when I pray, it affects the way I see my day, versus how I think the day should look.  The days where I pray are not always my easiest days.  In fact, when I have complained to my husband that I had prayed and had a horrible day, he has smiled and said, "Imagine what kind of day it would have been if you hadn't prayed."  Good answer, but I haven't always appreciated it in the moment.

I have also learned that while I still would like to have a more disciplined prayer life, I am in a stage that doesn't give me long leisurely hours to sit and bask in the Lord's presence.  I am in a season that requires me to be in "survival mode" most of the time.  But with all that I am expected to do each day, I can honestly say that prayer has worked in miraculous ways.  He doesn't ask us to have long prayer times; He asks us to come to Him and share our hearts with Him and to b e l i e v e Him.  Do we believe Him, that He loves us, that He desires good for us, that He takes care of our every need even though we don't always have the evidence in front of us?  The way we act is a direct reflection of the belief in our hearts.

This is often how my prayers go.

"Lord, please give me strength with Evan right now.  He is pushing my buttons."
"Lord, please give me the fruit of your Spirit today because I have nothing to give."
"Lord, please give Madeline good dreams tonight because she gets really scared of the bad ones."
"Lord, please show me my children's hearts so that I can better love and guide them."
"Lord, please protect my husband - heart, spirit, soul, mind and body - and give him strength to finish the day."

These are usually prayers of my heart, in the moment, whatever is going on.  I have read Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Parent and one of the most wonderful treasures I have kept in my heart is this concept:  If you have a worry or concern about your child, offer it up as a prayer and release them back into the Lord's hands.  I can't tell you the number of times that I have had these weird feelings that something bad was going to happen to my children and I have prayed, "Lord, in the name of Jesus and by the power of your blood, I ask you to protect my children from ----, and help me to believe and not worry about this anymore."

We can continue going to the grocery store, cleaning noses, making meals, changing diapers, and everything else that comes with the territory, and offer up these prayers on behalf of our little ones.  God doesn't ask us to sit for an hour - He asks for us to connect with Him on a regular basis.  He is our life line, after all.

A Matter of the Heart

I used to feel that I had to be the perfect parent.  Why would anyone want to be the perfect parent?  Because we think that our children are a reflection of who we are.  This is true, to a degree, but what are we more concerned with?  How we look to others or what is going on in the heart of our children?  Because the heart is the root of their behavior.  If we know our children's hearts, then we will know how to respond to their behavior.

I also woke up one day and realized that I don't control my children.  I can't control anyone, except for myself.  I have been given the role as parent in order to guide my children.  I can pray for them, and lead them in the right direction, but ultimately they have free will.

My kids asked me just last week, to retell the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.  They sat in silence, eyes wide, as I recounted the part where Satan deceives Eve into doubting God and sinning against Him.  God loved them so much that He gave them free will, to make their own choices, regardless of whether they are good or bad choices.  Just like God, we must allow our children to make choices even if they must fail so that we can love them through their consequences.  God always promises to take us back with open arms.  He does not, however, promise that the consequences will be wiped away.  He loves us enough to let us learn from the choices we make.  

Isn't it the same with our children?  We should thank God for the "bad" choices our little ones make because it is a true revealer of what is in their hearts.  A professor once said that in the same way, we should thank God for the sinfulness that is revealed in our hearts because God is allowing us the opportunity to see ourselves for what we really are, and the potential for Him to change us.  We need to see our children as God sees us, imperfect but completely loved and formable.

Deciding What Works For Your Family

I love books.  Over the years, I can't begin to tell you all the books that I've bought (and never opened) on parenting, all the books I've started but never finished reading on parenting, and all the books I have actually completely read on parenting.  Exhausting!

One of the hardest lessons that I learned was that just because the book said it, didn't mean that it was necessarily beneficial for my family or my parenting style.  Before my firstborn arrived, I read a book that said that when babies should sleep a certain number of hours, wake up with a certain mood and should do these certain activities to ensure that they don't become whiny children.  It sounded good at face value, but after my firstborn arrived, implementing some of the concepts were difficult because the book didn't take into account two things:  my child's personality and my parenting style.

One day when my 3-month-old would not go down for a 2-hour nap (just like the book said she was supposed to do!), I just let her cry and cry and cry for an HOUR!  My husband came home and said, "That's a bit excessive, don't you think?"  I said, "But the book says....."  After that, I realized that the book is a resource, not the law!


I suffered so much guilt after that incident.  But I learned a lesson that has helped me along the way.  I am not tied to one particular book or method.  I glean from various resources what works for our family.  And I am the one who has to implement these consequences and set up these rules.  Am I really going to follow through on this because I believe this will benefit my family or because I think this author thinks this is what is best?

As far as Love and Logic® is concerned, I am pleased with the general philosophy - natural consequences, enforced with empathy.  This gives me a lot of freedom within my role as a parent.