Today I felt tired, irritable and not in the mood to parent. Not in the mood to hear whining, to break up fights, and to correct bad behavior. Do we get to take days off? I woke up grumpy and I wanted to stay grumpy. I didn't want to have to serve breakfast, change diapers, fold laundry and wash dishes. I felt justified for being grumpy because my 3 year old decided to wake up during "dark morning"as we call it, before the sun woke up.
But I willed myself to not be grumpy, to change the diapers and serve breakfast without grumbling about it. One of the things I am constantly saying to my children is, "It's okay to be sad, angry or upset, but you need to still choose kindness." And although my own advice sounded bitter to my soul, an interesting thing happened. I decided to take my kids out for a hike this morning. We've been locked up in the house with various illnesses, and I thought it would do us some good to get fresh air.
As we hiked through the canyon, watching leaves fall from the trees and throwing rocks into the stream, I felt the heaviness lift from my spirit. I can't tell you what it was that lifted, but my will won. I'm sad to confess that too many times my emotions have won, and I have not "chosen" kindness. I've justified my grumpy attitude, cross tone of voice and irritability because I'm so tired, overworked, always in demand and hardly get an uninterrupted moment to myself. But those days are even worse because of my choice to give in to my moodiness as my poor children are forced to walk on eggshells to make sure they stay out of my way.
But today I experienced a victory. My spirit lifted and I allowed myself to just sit and watch my children frolic in the creek and along the hiking trail. They didn't know the internal struggle I went through all morning, but they certainly reaped the benefit of a mom who allowed herself to be present in the moment and not lost in her emotions.
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