Reframing Negative Responses

One thing that I've been pondering about the answer "NO" that I frequently blurt out to my children is how I can actually reframe that in the way of giving a choice.  I usually respond with that short, curt answer when:  I'm tired, I'm tired of being asked the same question, I'm tired of being tired, my patience is a distant memory.

I have a 5-year-old tenderhearted boy, who makes it a point to ask me a question, at least several times a day, the same question over and over again hoping for a different answer.  This drives me absolutely insane.  And he knows it.  There is something in my response that is so irritated that it somehow encourages him to continue doing it, in order to make me more irritated. BUT - I am responsible for my reactions, regardless of what he says or does even if his main goal is to get me to react to him.  But I had a breakthrough the other day.

One of the Love and Logic® techniques is to respond with a question back, "What did I say?"  This really helps to diffuse the desire of the child to continue asking and asking and asking.  He kept asking, that was expected.  He also expected me to react, not respond, to his asking and asking and asking.  I kept my tone in check, I kept my body language in check and kept giving the same answer, "What did I say?"  Eventually, he conceded with, "Okay, Mommy."  It's been a wonderful treasure in dealing with the issue of unwanted questions.

On the other hand, there is the issue of reframing our response from "NO" to giving a temporary answer.  "I don't have an answer for that right now; can I let you know in a little bit?  After dinner?  Tomorrow morning?"  This has helped with my 8-year-old who wants my answer RIGHT NOW and if I don't have an answer she likes, she will ask, "Why?" and then pester me until she feels satisfied.  Even if I will probably say no about the situation, giving that response buys me some time to think about my answer and to really decide if "no" is the right way to go.

Sometimes we feel so pressured to give a response to our children, that we answer out of pure frustration and blurt out "no" because we just want to be left alone.  But that is unproductive because it demonstrates that we only give good answers when we are in a good mood.  That communicates that the child has to "catch" us at the right time to get an answer in their favor, which further teaches that the child has to walk on eggshells around us because we're too self-centered to take control of our emotional responses!