A Sincere Apology

One of the issues that we have encountered again and again with our children is their need to apologize when they have offended someone or disobeyed us.  We have always insisted that they apologize.  One of our boys has such a hard time whenever we leave a fun event.  When he has completely melted down after visiting Grandma & Grandpa's house, we have insisted that he call and apologize.  Of course Grandma & Grandpa say, "Oh, that's okay, Sweetie!"  Because they are the grandparents and it's not their responsibility to parent our children.  We are thrilled that they are so quick to forgive.  We have also tried to instill this principle with our children, that when someone asks for their forgiveness, that they need to extend that forgiveness because God forgives us.  However, on the other side of that, extending forgiveness does not mean that we will allow that same person to trample on us.  We forgive, but we continue to set limits with those who have not been kind with us.

On the note of apologizing and forgiving...As we have come to adopt the Love and Logic® principles in our home, we have spent much less time forcing our children to apologize.  And one particular result of this new method has been surprisingly wonderful.  Apologies have come without any prompting.  Did you catch that?  I'll say it again because I still can't believe it myself.

My children are apologizing for their misbehavior without any prompting from anyone.

Additionally, they are apologizing when they have calmed themselves down AND knowing that their consequence will not change because of their apology.  This has amazed my husband and me.  But this fits perfectly with what Jim Fay has said in his seminars - The more control you give away, the more you actually have.  

It makes no sense at first glance.  But we are living proof that it is absolutely true.  The more control we have given away (ie., not insisting they apologize after every offense), the more control we have (our children desire to please us and reconnect with us by apologizing on their own).

And what blows me away is that these little guys are only 3 1/2 and 5 years old.  Forced apology vs. Sincere apology - I'll take a sincere apology any day.